Shifting How We View Self-Esteem
If you are struggling with self-confidence, you might believe that self-worth is something you either “have” or “don’t have.” You might compare yourself to others or envy those who appear confident. You might experience negative or judgmental thoughts about yourself consistently. If you don’t have coping strategies to manage these thoughts, it can turn into a vicious cycle. The negative beliefs about yourself feel more and more true, since the fear of not feeling confident makes you avoid situations and opt out of things that are important to you. Then you feel powerless to change or crawl out of the self-esteem hole that you feel like you’re stuck in.
Society tells us we should do certain things to be proud of ourselves: to be successful, to be happy, and to be approved of. Sometimes these expectations turn into rigid beliefs. If we don’t reach this milestone, we’ve failed. If our life doesn’t look the way we’ve planned, it’s our fault. But what if our self-worth isn’t based on these measures? What if each person decides what makes a life worthwhile for themselves?
In order to move past the self-judgment cycle, I would encourage a client to dig deeper into these thoughts and feelings. Why aren’t you worth it? When you feel down about yourself, what has triggered these feelings? What are you doing or not doing that would make you feel more “worthy?”
Another important question to ask yourself is: when will you be worth it? This question addresses your expectations of yourself and can help you define what a “worthy” person looks like to you. When will you deem yourself worthy? When you’re a millionaire? When you graduate college? When you have a grandchild? Are your expectations too high, or are you just not there yet? Have you not been able to work towards a goal because of external forces of abuse, illness, or responsibilities?
What’s stopping you? If you are not currently living according to your values, can you? What is within your control and what’s outside of your control? What will be helpful as you build a life of value? Does labeling yourself as “unworthy” help you change? If you believe yourself to have low self-esteem, does that mean you can’t take steps towards your goals?
Self-confidence is not something that one has or doesn’t have. It is something that is built from your perception of yourself and the world. If you have been told your entire life that you are unworthy, through the voices of others, society, prejudice…then it will be understandably difficult to counter that. It takes some time to reverse the negative messages you’ve received to positive messages that are fulfilling and nourishing. But rather than buying into the belief that you aren’t confident, worth it, or have low self-esteem, let’s do away with the idea that we are helpless against our perception of ourselves. It isn’t about what other people think or label you as. It’s about how you define yourself and what’s important to you. Take the power away from everyone deeming you “unworthy” and decide for yourself - it’s your life!
Therapy can be a positive and supportive atmosphere to help those struggling with self-confidence. Through the consistent reframing of unhelpful thoughts and making strides towards your personal goals, you can build self-appreciation and self-compassion. And in time, that practice will turn into self-confidence.
